I am not making this up....

PL/Biller to LS#1: "Make 4 copies.... no, wait, hold off on that for a minute, I have to check something."

LS#1: "Okay."

LS#1 walks to the copier and proceeds to make 4 copies.

PL/Biller to LS#1: "Uhhh, you're gonna want to stop that."

LS#1: "Why?"

Me to PL/Biller: "Didn't you just tell her not to make the copies?"

PL/Biller: "Yes."

LS#1: "You said to make 4 copies. Why do you want me to stop it."

Don't call me Israel yet.

I was going to refrain from calling anyone an idiot this week.

That was stupid. Just plain stupid.

Why was it stupid? Oh, please, let me tell you.

It's 9:50 a.m.. LS#1 and LS#2 both arrived just before 8:00 a.m.

Heard and seen in the last 2 hours at La Office de Stupidity:

LS#1: "What, exactly, is an affidavit?" e.t.a. To clarify--she said "What, exactly, is an affidavit? I am supposed to get an affidavit or sworn statement..."

LS#1: "I just got married a week ago and we've had several fights already. Hahahaha." (great start to your 4th marriage with a guy who still lives in Egypt, LS#1. Good luck with that.)

LS#2 makes copies of an order then hands the attorney the order. Does not put file copy of order in file. Does not give attorney file as she is leaving for court. Attorney calls from court indicating needs file brought over to her. LS#2 complains about attorney.

LS#2: "This 'post' weighs 14 ounces, so I'll have to take it to the 'post'. Do I put postage on it?"

LS#1: "What does (client last name) go under?"
Me: "(Client last name)"

LS#1: "These are two separate documents, do they get stapled together? Do they both get stamped?"

(Deep breath--exhale slowly)

Now, how about my co-workers?

Your Boss Isn't Psycho, but Your Boss Stinks

Your boss is probably not mental. Still, your boss is not competent or professional. You may want to transfer departments or get a new job, before your boss sucks out your soul.

Is Your Boss Psycho?

From the Files of "It Could Only Happen to the Biller"

I bring you Today:

LS#1 is in Egypt supposedly getting married. Again. I was given permission to organize and clean her desk and PL/Biller and I did. I really believe the desk was thanking us for cleaning it. It was just that bad.

Then we both had the urge to go clean and reorganize our desks. Again.

PL/Biller decides she wants her monitor in the corner. We have tried this before and her cords are not long enough, so she decides to try the cords from Miss I Got A New Job's computer. We unhook the cable and I can tell right away it is a standard cable and the reason that monitor fits in the corner has to do with the placing of the "cord holes" in the desk. This one is in the corner while hers is in the middle. We drop the cord in the desk and decide to worry about that later.

A couple minutes later she informs me she has managed to do it. Her monitor is in the corner. Hooray!

Then I get a call:
PL/Biller: "My screen is green. I don't know what I did. Oh no."

Luckily the attorney is in an office conference because when I went back there and saw that her screen really was green, I had no clue what to do. This wasn't the kind of green that you get when you mess with the contrast and brightness on your tv screen. It was like someone had placed a green, semi transparent film over her screen. Her settings were completely screwed and I think the people in the parking lot 3 miles down the street could read anything on her monitor, if they could get past the whole green thing. We tried playing with all of the picture-friendly buttons on the front and all of the display settings, then I decided to go do some internet research on the subject, not really sure that I would find anything because I swear this stuff only happens to the Biller.

She has been banned from touching anything with a power cord in that office more times than I can count.

I decided to save some time (it was about 1:45 and I had done nothing more than clean a desk, fix timeslips and play with a green monitor all day) and grab the aforementioned monitor, since the cords were already unhooked anyway. That didn't work. We gave up trying to unscrew the stupid screws holding the cord in the back of Biller's monitor and realized we would need more of that special sticky tape to put her document clip back on and it was all too much work.

I told her to go to lunch and I would try to figure it out. I got the monitor information and was about to do useless research when she tells me she got it. Nope, it's green again. No, wait, she got it.

Best that we can figure out (or make up) the cord was not plugged in all the way and was pulled out just enough to turn her monitor green. When she released the tension on the cord it was fine, so now she has the monitor "almost" in the corner.

Without fail, at 4:30 this afternoon I was handed an email. And a document to be sent with the email. It needed to be scanned in. The only scanner is hooked up to Miss I Got A New Job's computer. The one we took apart. And had not put back together.

More Made Up Stuff

Attorney: "When are you supposed to use the straight quotes and when are you supposed to use those other, more curved quotes?"

Me: "What?"

Attorney: "A client took out the curved quotes on this document and put in the straight ones. I need to know when to use each one."

(Just to clear this up now--Yes, I do know they are called smart quotes. You correct an attorney who's just had their document changed by a client.)

Me: "Uhhh. Well. I'm not...

Attorney: "I know when you are doing inches or minutes you ...." (random mumbling that I didn't follow.)

I didn't know there was a difference in usage, much less what that difference was. Wasn't it more a matter of aesthetics and preference than a "rule"? And the PL/Biller who was standing there the entire time offered no input. Thanks. But she was clearly unhappy with her document being changed so I made something up.

Me: "I think you use the smart quotes when you are quoting someone as opposed to..."

Attorney: "That sounds right. I think that's right."

After doing research on this, I cannot find a difference. From what I can tell it is a matter of aesthetics and preference. Anyone know differently? Please tell me if there is, 'cause now I'd like to know. My English teachers would be so proud of me.

Useless post

I actually had a pretty good post going in my head at the end of last week, but then I realized the stories were way better to me and the biller than to anyone else. But, since they are pretty hilarious to me and the biller I just can't let them go to waste so...

Have you ever seen someone thrown from a chair? I have not, but based on how it feels to be thrown from a chair I would say it is a funny thing to watch.
It's not broken, nobody was nearby playing a joke on me, there is no logical answer for the sudden ejection that occured. The seat itself simply swung forward and downward throwing me forward and downward out of the chair. I believe my first response was to the Biller "Did you see that?"

Next.

PL/Biller was sick last week, sick enough to take a sick day Wednesday and half day Thursday. This is an unheard of event so I did not expect the usual attitude from the boss that other employees get after they call in saying "I think I'm getting a headache, I won't be in today", but I guess I was wrong.

Sometime Friday afternoon the boss calls Biller and says
"What are you doing?"
I informed the Biller that the correct answer would have been "Taking back Poland."

I Make Stuff Up

Attorney: “On the receipt for Certified Mail, where do you put the Attention:? I know on the card it would be addressed exactly as on the letter, but it won’t fit in that place on the receipt.”

Me: “Yeah, on the receipt we just put it in the same box under the name of the company.”

I have no freaking idea if this is true or not, but it makes sense to me. Why don't you try asking the person who has been doing these for the last 6 months, as opposed to the person who hasn't done one in over 6 months. Is it because she is an idiot and didn't know what to do so she left that part off?

Attorney: “If you have a document that says 'attached is a copy of another document', do we stamp that document copy?”

Me: “Uhh, is it already marked as a copy in any other way? Is it marked as an exhibit or is it just attached?”

Attorney: “It’s just attached; I think we do mark it because no, it’s not marked in any other way and if we stamp it they won’t think we accidentally attached the original. It’s not an exhibit.”

Me: “Yeah, we stamp it.”

Seriously? You're the attorney. You're talking about filing a court document and you don't know? At least she had pretty much already answered that one.

This will only come back to bite my little behind if some Post Office Nazi decides to call and explain that the correct format is to attach a rider to the receipt and any idiot old enough to write should know that, or if the clerk’s office calls and tells her she is more of an idiot than the people working over there and how on earth could she possibly not know that she shouldn't have stamped that document.

Or if she gets mad at me. Like now.

About a month ago she calls me and says "Print out the docket sheet on this client." So I did. I put it on her desk with a note that said "Please review, per your request" and left it there.

Yesterday she brought it back to me with another note on it that said "Why did you print this, what did I want it for? I don't see your timeslip for the research so I don't know what to put in my timeslip for the review." Uhhh....

Frustrated because I could get my time machine working to go back and use my mind-reading skills to determine why I was printing the freaking docket sheet, I wrote a to-the-point, what-do-you-expect-of-me note:

"I don't know what you wanted the docket for, you never told me. However, if you cannot remember, I would say, logically and reasonably, that you probably wanted it to see if the subpoena was served on whoever, since that is the last entry and the only piece of information we did not already have."

I get it back.... "Oh, I remember now, it was to see what happened on the 2/12/07 court date, which is not shown on here. See if it has been updated and print out a new one."

Convenient. And then I spent the rest of the day avoiding her because I could not answer a question without eliciting the you-are-so-wrong-and-I-am-going-to-put-you-in-your-place response.

Chain of events

1.)

2.)

a night of hysterics.







3.)


Me: "You suck and can't do your job."

Sucky employee: "You just don't understand what it's like to constantly be interrupted all day long."



4.)
Still.






5.)Must entertain myself or I will throw someone out the window....




The End.